Tantric Sex

At Madame Dahlia we are all about empowering people, experiencing connectedness and diving into many sexual ideas and concepts. On the Sex Journal we have Tom talking about his first experience with tantric sex, what it meant to him. 

Thank you gorgeous Tom for your honest, beautiful and real life account of your first tantric experience. 

My first experience of tantric sex.

At the end of last year (2019) I moved countries, changed jobs and found myself recently single. It was in the midst of all this change that I had the opportunity to ask myself what I wanted single life to be like. I knew I didn’t want to be in a relationship, that I needed time to breathe. However I also didn’t want to fall into the pattern of my previous single life, oscillating between situationships and friends with benefits.

I wanted my future experiences to be a chance to grow and to learn. So in that context I decided it was time to give tantric sex a try. It took a while but I eventually met someone who was much more experienced on the subject than me, she was wonderful, engaging and I was lucky enough that when I asked her out the following week, she said yes. Prior to our date she asked me to describe what beginning to practice tantric sex looks like for me. The question left me floored, it made me feel vulnerable in the most beautiful way, to me, there is nothing more exhilarating than the feeling of being seen.

It took me a week of consideration and I finally presented her with my answer whilst we were sitting across from each other, on a picnic blanket in a park in Melbourne.

My response to her question went as follows; ‘My idea of what beginning to practice tantric sex would look like.. for me the most important thing about sexual intercourse is the 'intercourse part', the dialogue and communication. So for me it would begin when we met, making sure we were mindful and present. We would start with platonic touching, friendly, maybe a hug here and there, bridging that physical barrier. Then, when we were in a private space which was comfortable, warm, smelled nice etc we would sit in front of each other and give each other positive affirmation, which would never be denied by the other person, only accepted, in a 'yes and' approach, rather than a negative response. Then we would discuss our desires while getting undressed, not touching each other yet, just using our eyes to admire the other person. When we did touch initially we would focus away from sexual organs to more loving and intimate caresses and massage... obviously consent permeates all of this and can be withdrawn at any time.. then we communicate with our bodies and our words what we would like our partner to do, spending a lot of time within each act... but not engaging in penetrative sex, more mutual masturbation, touching and oral stimulation... when we do finally engage in penetrative sex orgasm is not the goal, rather a continuation of that dialogue we established before... then when we absolutely need to cum we do.. And then a lot of aftercare, post orgasm intimacy and touching.’... I would like to point out that, although it’s a good start, what I described above is not tantric sex.

My date laughed and hugged me and thanked me for my contribution. We then had a long meandering conversation about tantra, about love, about connectedness, the date was illuminated by a perfect, soft, golden, afternoon sun. The conversation eventually came full circle and she suggested trying a beginner tantra technique called eye gazing. She took my hand and we sat facing each other, cross legged. Our palms were touching, one facing up and the other facing down, the aim was to maintain physical contact while gazing deeply into the other person's right eye. The right eye is the ‘soul’ eye in tantric practice, if you hold this position for a length of time it builds trust, fosters intimacy and care for the other person.

Initially I felt awkward, I laughed and my date advised me not to deny that feeling but instead to feel it fully and allow it to pass... she also gently advised me it would be best not to talk. Next I felt an overwhelming sense of attractedness, I wanted desperately to reach out and act on that impulse, as I would have done on any other date I had ever been on, still, I remained silent and in time I realised that what we were doing in the moment was enough. Similar to meditation these feelings and impulses cascaded over us like waves, as we sat regarding each other I found my brain switching to analysing the deep, sparkling green colour of her eyes and in that moment, swimming amongst the rods and cones of her gaze, they appeared to me the most beautiful eyes in the world. I then felt a surprising sense of sadness, that this moment would be so short, so ephemeral, how could I prolong it forever? My mind ran away from me at this point, I pictured the two of us together, as a couple, as a family (as ridiculous as that sounds)... I realised that this was a form of attachment, a form of possession and that in order to enjoy the experience I needed to do nothing more than sit and I let those feelings go. I realised it for what it was just another current pulling me away from the present moment, so I acknowledged it and in turn let it fall by the wayside. It was only after that moment that the cacophony of thoughts and urges started to fade, I recognised my date had felt it too and that she had been waiting specifically for this moment to present itself.

She then broke our silence, moved in to embrace me and we laughed together, I felt more attracted too, more trustful of anyone I had ever been on a first date with. I knew that she had seen and accepted who I was. I was almost surprised to realise that we were sitting in a busy park, surrounded by people, in the middle of the afternoon. She suggested we walk back to her house and I happily agreed.